As I grew up, like many I looked upon the world as a flower garden, expecting to find sweets in every flower. I tried to find pleasure in its various vanities, but in vain; I always found myself disappointed and dissatisfied; and early became convinced that nothing of an earthly nature could satisfy an immortal soul. After Mother joined the Methodist church, which was in 1805—under the ministry of James Axley and Miles Harper—we became constant attendants of Methodist meetings; yet none of the rest of the family joined till 1809, when there was a considerable stir in our neighborhood. The different exercises of people—falling, jerking, and shouting—became very prevalent. My youngest sister, [my] step-sister, and several others were powerfully awakened, fell into these exercises, became very happy in religion, and joined the church. All the time I stood aloof, believing I was a sinner and not fit to die, yet not fully sensible of my danger, nor yet persuaded that it was now my time to give myself up and forsake my vain companions and worldly amusement.
Sometime in August, there was a lovefeast in the neighborhood; it was held on Sunday and Monday. I attended on Sunday; heard Frederich Stier, a preacher from the East, who had been traveling in the West sometime. I was much pleased with his sermon, and my feelings were [a] good deal softened. I went back on Monday with my youngest sister, who was a member of the church. We went early, as lovefeast was to be held that morning. When we got there, she went in; but the door-keeper stopped me, and asked me if I was a member. I told him I was not, but did not wish to go in through vain curiosity. He took me kindly by the hand, led me in, and bid me “pray with them.” The lovefeast was the most solemn and awful I thought I ever saw, some crying and some shouting, while I felt like one forsaken and alone.
Bro. Stier preached that day. In closing his discourse, he gave us a sketch of his own experience. After giving several touching incidents, he related a solemn scene through which he passed during his distress. One morning before he rose from his bed he thought he was at Mt. Calvary; that they were going to crucify our Saviour. He followed them up the Mount; saw them place our Savior on the cross; when the man with the hammer and nails came up and smote a nail into one of his hands. With that he started up and was instantly struck with the words he heard a preacher say the day before, “Sinner! every sin you commit pierces your Savior’s wound afresh.” These words he spoke with an emphasis; and had he run a sword through my body I could not have felt it more sensibly than I did those words through my soul. I saw in a moment, as I never saw before, that Christ had loved me, had suffered and died for me; that I had been, against better light and knowledge, grieving his Spirit, and sinning against Him. The awful sense of ingratitude that I felt was beyond description. I wept bitterly, till tears refused to flow to my relief. I thought over the opportunities and religious instruction I had slighted from my earliest days. I was constrained to ask myself, “If I never find mercy, will it not be just?” The answer appeared instantly to be, “Thy damnation is just!” If thou damn me it is just!” I instantly replied. These words appeared to roll through my mind as loud as thunder; and I thought I was crying them as loud as I could, and I knew no better till afterwards. I had fallen senselessly to the floor, and knew nothing of it till I came to and found myself there. From this meeting I went home a true penitent-joined the church the first opportunity; but did not find relief till the 16th of September, which was the second day of the first camp meeting I ever attended. The manner in which the good Lord revealed his mercy to me was as strange and powerful as my conviction was. I had passed through the two first days without any particular change. [I] Began to be fearful I should have to return as I came with all my load of guilt. On Saturday evening I was called to assist in taking my sister in the tent, who was powerfully exercised. When we laid her down, she looked up in my face and commenced praying for me. I had felt much opposed to having the jerks, with which she was exercised. But when I looked upon her heavenly countenance, saw her uplifted hands, heard her fond and pathetic prayer for her poor sister, I felt abashed; the pride of my heart was completely subdued; I bowed my head and hunkered down beside her, laying my hands across my knees and my head upon my hands;—as I did this I said, “O Lord, if thou wilt grant me the blessing she seems to enjoy, I will willingly have the jerks or anything else thou may please to put upon [me.]” I cannot recollect another thought passing through my mind till I heard my own voice saying, “Glory, glory,” and felt my hands slapping together. I then asked myself “Why, what is this?” I instantly felt the reply in my inmost soul, as sensibly as if some one had spoken to me, “This is what you have sought for,” I suppose I was in the act of falling back, for I felt my head touch some one behind me, which brought me to my recollection. I then sprang to my feet, and with loud shouts declare to all around what the Lord had done for me. The change was so great in my feelings I never could express it. I felt as if I had been snatched from an awful gulf; and so grateful did I feel for it that my soul was all ecstacy. I was astonished when I saw some others profess to have found peace, and make little or no ado about it. I thought they had never seen their danger as I had [seen mine.] It seemed like my whole nature was changed. I had been as fond of fashions and foolery as any one; it was now no cross to lay all aside. I had no relish for anything that did not accord with true piety. For some years I would wonder to hear professors of religion talk about trials and cross-bearing; I scarcely know what they meant.—Since that time I have felt the need of all the Christian armor, (and I have) learnt to know as much of the Christian warfare as I have been able to bear; but have always found his grace sufficient for me.
