A few very distinct thoughts have struck me as I’ve read the first part of this book.

First, how normal the men seemed. Because the book included their words and actions while they were in the room with Dr. Coogan, as well as their stories of how each of them got to that point, I was able to become invested in them very early on. The stories they told were about their past, but their interactions with Dr. Coogan and each other kind of gave me a sense for the people that those experiences built in the present. It was remarkable to me that they were able to be funny, to consistently have profound and deep insights, when all of them had experienced what 90% of the people I grew up with would label “trauma,” or “abuse.” This brings me to my second thought…

Second, how different their lives were than mine. I know that if any of those experiences (finding their dead mother, being abandoned at a young age, growing up in a single-parent household, an abusive household, or both) had happened to me, I would not have been able to handle it. All of those men lived in a completely different world than the one I grew up in. And when all of those gut-wrenching (to me) events happened, those men were only children. And yet, they survived. They carved out lives for themselves, and yes – more often than not they were centered around illegal or dangerous activity. Yes – those paths eventually landed all of them in prison. But their resilience, and the way they responded and adapted to harrowing events, and so much abuse and uncertainty, made me respect them so much. I’m not saying I approve of all of their choices, but frankly, I am in awe of the fact that they endured so much – and thought they hadn’t dealt with much out of the ordinary. They casually mentioned events that would have been some of the most traumatic in my (fairly sheltered) life.

A quick sidenote: It could be interesting to connect the Memory article to these men and their childhoods. I wonder which “stories” (not necessarily happily-ever-after stories, but just the ideas they were taught in general) they were told as young children? I remember multiple said that it wasn’t an option not to love/support/be proud of/almost worship their mother (it seemed like a no-brainer to them), even though at least one was physically abusive and multiple neglected their children. I bet we could look at how those self-stories could have impacted the creation of their identities.

And third (fourth?), how prepared and observant Dr. Coogan was. It seemed like he was almost watching the conversation like a therapist, waiting for someone to say something that hinted at a deeper meaning, and then instantly seizing on it and digging deep into it to help the men really reflect on themselves, their experiences, and their lives as a whole. His purpose was to help them understand themselves and their lives. That purpose was adopted and absorbed by the men in the class, and that meant that they wouldn’t let their comments be misunderstood either. That prompted them to further try to explain their thoughts/feelings, and eventually, that process would lead to somebody saying a sentence that just struck a chord with all of them, or maybe got to the root of everything they were discussing. Once again, it was remarkable to read about, but I don’t know if those realizations would have occurred without Dr. Coogan creating an environment conducive to self-exploration and reflection.