To be perfectly clear, this is not a post about games or gaming or the gaming community, although it is something that happens in the gaming community and could therefore be applicable. Mostly, it’s about something that happens when I go to the grocery store, and when women in general walk down the street, go shopping, or pretty much do anything: catcalling.
Catcalling can be insulting, raunchy, or phrased in the words of compliment. But it isn’t. Claire Zulkey tries to explain this in “A Conversation About Friendly Catcalling With My Husband,” posted on Jezebel. Her main point in the piece is that being catcalled – even, as in the case she describes, with a compliment – is disconcerting and disruptive. She also points out that there’s a difference between commenting on someone’s person and commenting on their clothes – a point that I think she’s right about.
She says that women generally comment on one another’s clothing choices or style – and I’ve noticed that when strangers (male or female) comment on my clothes I’m always significantly less creeped out than when they comment on my body, body parts, or general attractiveness. If someone passing me on a hiking trail says they like my Aperture Science shirt, I know they’re a geek and they get the joke. If someone likes my crazy striped tights, I know they have a sense of whimsy. Those things aren’t creepy.
When someone calls out “Hey baby” or “Hey beautiful!” or “Work it baby!” (all things that have been yelled at me while walking to and from the grocery store, although the oddest may be “I like your truck – wanna go for a ride in it?” in the grocery store parking lot). And these comments apply whether the catcall is positive or negative – calling out something about a person’s weight or poor fashion sense or hair or body odor or presumed sexuality is equally unacceptable.
To me, it isn’t just that catcalling is disconcerting (although it is). It’s that it assumes that I personally care what you, a random stranger, think about my body. (What you think about my clothes is only slightly more relevant, as I dress deliberately, but still not really, and I’d prefer that people I don’t know keep their opinions about both to themselves.)
Catcalling, most of the time, is aimed at women and perpetrated by men (although not always), and therefore presumes a certain level of domination and ownership. People who catcall – usually men – assume that their opinion about someone else’s appearance or self-presentation is more valid than that person’s own.
Worse, commenting on my physicality presumes not only that I care what you think about my body, but that you have a right to judge my body. You don’t. The only people allowed to judge my body are me, my spouse, and my medical professionals (although they hold questionable status so long as they rely on BMI instead of fitness as a measure – long story).
If you’re ever in a position where you have the urge to say something to someone, try this staple: “Hi.” Or “Good morning/afternoon/evening.” Or “How’s it going?” (which in many parts of the country does not actually require an answer in the conventional sense, but a “How’re you?” in response). If the person you address smiles and replies, then you’ve maybe made their day brighter. If they introduce themselves or begin a conversation, maybe you’ll make a friend. If they look startled, they have the default “Hello” or “Fine, and you?” response to make back, but do not pursue the conversation. They aren’t interested – but at least you haven’t made them feel horribly self-conscious or objectified in the process.