Peer Commentary – Stage Two

In this paper, my editor commented . . .

 

Essay: In these crises, the government has “a choice between World Control and destruction. Between stability and [something not stated, but presumably negative]” and so the government chooses to enforce greater control over its people rather than let the world self-destruct (BNW Ch. 3).

Editor: This sentence is a little weird; try rephrasing?

┬áMe: I didn’t feel like rephrasing (sorry, editor). I guess it is a little bit of a weird sentence. Actually, the fact that I had one quote (albeit one quote that consisted of two sentences) straddling two of my sentences kind of bothered me too. I’m not sure that I ever learned the proper formatting for that sort of thing. What a shame. From how my essay turned out, though, I don’t consider leaving in this sentence to be a problem or to have had any detrimental effects on my final paper. Yay for weird phrasing?

 

Editor: As part of the population creation process, the government has designed a series of castes that individuals are born into: Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, and Epsilon, ranging from the elite to the laborers.

Editor: I’m a little confused by this. Perhaps explain more or state differently.

Me: I didn’t change this either. Maybe I should have, but I was under the impression that my designated audience had read Brave New World and was therefore familiar enough with the context of the novel to understand information like this. To the unfamiliar audience, it does look a little funky and confusing, but I don’t think that it hurt the rest of my writing in any way either.

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